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cheese and crackers [Nov. 3rd, 2007|10:34 pm]
i want to be sent in a package, curled into fetal position and stuck with the neccessary federally regulated postage. send me away, to a place big and open and cold, to a small dark padded box in a room with a lock. a cage, a cell, they all sound so comfortable or cold, clean but maybe damp. perhaps there is a mouse and i can hear it scratching from somewhere. i believe a former boyfriend told me i belonged in a padded room, he was very sweet.

i try very hard every day to be useful but really, i am best at tossing and turning and acting like a cranky, tired child who has eaten the rest of the strawberry jelly out of a jar, face sticky and fingers grimy. i am loud and usually anxious and this does not allow for pleasant conversation with neighbors who try to hold the door open when my hands are full of groceries and my bike is lying helplessly on the curb like a crippled horse.

i am bleeding like a stuck pig and the clerk standing at the cash register stares at me because i am half crying and my lips are purple and i can't fit the hummus and the crackers AND the ice cream in my bag. he asks me if i need help and i almost invite him home so i can have someone wait with me until andrew is done work, i don't want to talk at all i just want to know that there is a warm body near me to make the right decisions but i realize, oh. the groceries. no, i don't need help, i can shove them all into one canvas bag myself, you wouldn't understand my system anyway, it's complicated and it involves the emotion each food wakes inside me...no really, clearly i don't need anyone's help, thanks, have a nice night! and i bound out of the store in 3 knitted layers of sweater, my eyes wet and red around the edges from rubbing.
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2006|07:09 pm]
[mood |eh]
[music |mirah]

um, so, lots of complicated shit going on. i talk to jason every night, long LONG conversations, the likes of which i haven't had with fred in ages. we're both pretending this isn't more than friendship. i don't know how long the pretending will last.

i ate at denny's last night. this is disgusting. i want an orange juice or odwalla fast. mmm. thinking about it makes me feel better. no wi only have to DO.
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ugh [Aug. 15th, 2006|12:36 pm]
[Current Location |living room]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |the sound of briton showering]

I'm actually going to try and update this like a regular journal, not just with food/eating/exercising related stuff, though that will be what it's mainly about.

Anyway, i've lost a few pounds in the past month. I've just been eating less and walking to work more often, though i still binge/purge probably once or twice a day. It's taking it's toll though and I'm beginning to really hate myself, not because of my body so much as my inability to stop giving in to hunger and then hurting myself even more to boot. I don't want to make myself sick anymore (I know, I see the ridiculous factor of this statement) but I'm not ready to surrender my eating disorder. I still want to lose. I feel like I always will.

1. How much do you weigh? 115 I guess? Still no scale.

2. How much are you supposed to weigh? Probably around 115-120, though I know many girls who are my height and weigh less who are healthy.

3. What is your BMI? 21, as in too much. I'd have to love 115 pounds to be anywhere near 18 or below.

4. How long have you had an ED? I've been bulimic for a little over a year, though my relationship with food has been screwed up for a long time.

5. What kind of ED do you have (anorexia, bulemia, exercise bulemia, compulsive overeating)? It shifts between bulimia and anorexia, so EDNOS to be specific (it's funny to call it specific when EDNOS is such a vague term)

6. How long has it been since you:

a. exercised? two days ago...i work about 50 hours a week so it makes it hard to exercise regularly, though i could try harder.

b. eaten? last night, diner food.

c. purged? last night.

d. binged? a few days ago? last night i just ate a regular, though fatty, dinner.

7. How many calories do you eat in a typical day? ugh, i don't know. i don't want to think about it.

8. How many calories do you keep down in a typical day? 100-500

9. How many calories do you burn off in a typical day? i'm not sure, i wish i knew. I try to run 2-3 miles at least every other day.

10. What is your favorite ED trick? Watching cooking shows makes me feel as if i've eaten, drinking tons of water, taking a shower when i purge so no one hears.

11. What is your favorite food? peanut butter, cheese cake, sushi.

12. What is your fear food? peanut butter, cereals.

13. What is your worst trigger? Being around lots of easily available, fatty foods when i'm stressed or sad, seeing myself naked, probably the forums i belong to.

14. Do you like the way you look, apart from the excessive amounts of fat? i don't know, sometimes.

15. How many more pounds do you want to lose, if any? 20-30

16. Do you frequent pro-Ana/pro-Mia sites? yeah, but i'm not really pro-eating disorder. it's more something i give into. i think it's sad.

17. Are you currently trying to get over your ED? not really, though i wish i was...does that make sense?

18. What is your favorite way to deal with your ED when you aren't giving in? reading, working, writing it all down.

19. Do you have any ED buddies? not really, it would probably become a competition thing.

20. Do you tell people about your ED? not since i told fred last year and he freaked out. since then, i lie.

21. Are you curious about other people with EDs? yeah, i'd like to talk to someone else in real life who is going through this sort of thing. also, i'm curious about people whose EDs are different from mine, and how they were developed and why.

22. Do you think you'll have an ED forever? I hope not, but i can't see myself ever having any sort of healthy body image, eating habits.

23. Favorite Calorie-free Beverage? water, tea.

24. Height: 5'2

25. Favorite ED Reading: wasted, eating by the light of the moon

26. Biggest Motivator To Get Better: Fred, and I'm scared about how it will fuck up my body.

27. Biggest Motivator To Stay Sick: my weight, how good i feel when i'm skinny

28. Do you abuse:

a. Laxatives? no

b. Diet Pills? i've thought about it, but because of the bulimia, i'm afraid of how it would effect my heart rate. and pills in general aren't appealing to me.

c. Water Pills? no.

d. Caffiene? just coffee.

e. Alcohol? no.
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(no subject) [Jun. 23rd, 2006|02:37 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]

i haven't updated this thing in a while. hopefully now that i've made a return to this lj and the communities, i'll, you know, fall back into a permanent cycle. my weight has fluctuated like its my job since last post but this time i have extreme summer bikini motivation to keep me fasting. i ran 3 miles yesterday and it felt amazing. i'm just so tired now though, my body is just...not working properly. yesterday we all went to cold stone creamery, my favorite ice cream place, and i didn't get anything. YES, i'm so proud of avoiding that temptation. to be honest, thinking about food and eating just makes me feel gross and head-achey. today i've eaten:

B - yogurt, 140 c
10 little pretzels, i think 140 c, if not less.
L - b/p big salad and cookies, got most of it up i'm pretty sure. waiting for my stomache to growl.

and nothing for the rest of the day, except more water, running, and swimming.

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wouldn't it be nice... [Sep. 27th, 2005|04:13 am]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]

i guess i did ok today, better than i have the past few weeks. i'm getting back into the habit of purging after every single thing i take in. i just want to stop binging in the first place.

things i need to do to get back on track:

-buy a fucking scale (and somehow keep fred from knowing i have one...)
-record everything i take in and purge and ect.
-buy diet/caffiene pills
-start exercising more, like i used to
-surround myself with thinspiration
-fast, fast, fast

so tomorrow no food, only water, flavored water, and black coffee. period. we'll see how i do then.
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failed [Sep. 22nd, 2005|09:02 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

but each day is new. i just want to get back on track so badly. i miss being tiny. i hate all this...me.

i've been cutting again. i'm trying to trade that in for b/p-ing. i know it's not a good habit either but in comparison to mia it's way safer and i'm not slowly killing myself.

and fred questions why i do it, why i care? you'd look at my other lj and you'd think i'm 2 different people. and i guess i am. i'm a feminist who starves herself or binges/purges and cares passionately about the way her pants fit and the size of the gap between her thighs. it's ridiculous and it makes no sense.

so why?

i mean, i think i don't care what other people think but it makes me SOAR when people hug me, wrap their fingers around my wrists, call me tiny, comment on the lost weight, ask me if i'm sick, ask me if i have any "diet tips". i just want so much to be very little. i'm 5's. i should be under 100 or 100 lbs at the most. i just feel so fucking obese right now.

and fred says no one's opinion of my body should matter to me except mine and his. and...i DO do it for him. he says he'd prefer me to be little but i love it when he picks me up and twirls me, calls me scrawny, buys me little kids t-shirts.

i hate my boobs being this big (back to DD) and my hips and butt seeming to get in the way of everything.

i don't know how this started. i remember not long ago trying to make myself vomit and i just couldn't do it.

and then i did it once and i couldn't stop.

i want to stop.

i want to starve.
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so this is how it's going to be [Sep. 21st, 2005|03:53 am]
[mood |angryangry]
[music |smashing pumpkins]

Height: 5'2
CW: 120
LW: 109

I lost it all. then i was pregnant. and i couldn't help myself. and my clothes are tight. i want to be cold and i want them to be loose and i hate that i'm doing this but i need it. i need. i need. i need.

i bought lots of fruits and vegetables today. tomorrow i begin. food journal, fruits and veggies and some chicken, exercise, the whole routine again. if we go out to eat, purge afterwards. ONLY purge when you go out to eat. Stop this bulimia.

i need this now. i hate all of this body.
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