||[Aug. 15th, 2006|12:36 pm]
|||||the sound of briton showering||]|
I'm actually going to try and update this like a regular journal, not just with food/eating/exercising related stuff, though that will be what it's mainly about.
Anyway, i've lost a few pounds in the past month. I've just been eating less and walking to work more often, though i still binge/purge probably once or twice a day. It's taking it's toll though and I'm beginning to really hate myself, not because of my body so much as my inability to stop giving in to hunger and then hurting myself even more to boot. I don't want to make myself sick anymore (I know, I see the ridiculous factor of this statement) but I'm not ready to surrender my eating disorder. I still want to lose. I feel like I always will.
1. How much do you weigh? 115 I guess? Still no scale.
2. How much are you supposed to weigh? Probably around 115-120, though I know many girls who are my height and weigh less who are healthy.
3. What is your BMI? 21, as in too much. I'd have to love 115 pounds to be anywhere near 18 or below.
4. How long have you had an ED? I've been bulimic for a little over a year, though my relationship with food has been screwed up for a long time.
5. What kind of ED do you have (anorexia, bulemia, exercise bulemia, compulsive overeating)? It shifts between bulimia and anorexia, so EDNOS to be specific (it's funny to call it specific when EDNOS is such a vague term)
6. How long has it been since you:
a. exercised? two days ago...i work about 50 hours a week so it makes it hard to exercise regularly, though i could try harder.
b. eaten? last night, diner food.
c. purged? last night.
d. binged? a few days ago? last night i just ate a regular, though fatty, dinner.
7. How many calories do you eat in a typical day? ugh, i don't know. i don't want to think about it.
8. How many calories do you keep down in a typical day? 100-500
9. How many calories do you burn off in a typical day? i'm not sure, i wish i knew. I try to run 2-3 miles at least every other day.
10. What is your favorite ED trick? Watching cooking shows makes me feel as if i've eaten, drinking tons of water, taking a shower when i purge so no one hears.
11. What is your favorite food? peanut butter, cheese cake, sushi.
12. What is your fear food? peanut butter, cereals.
13. What is your worst trigger? Being around lots of easily available, fatty foods when i'm stressed or sad, seeing myself naked, probably the forums i belong to.
14. Do you like the way you look, apart from the excessive amounts of fat? i don't know, sometimes.
15. How many more pounds do you want to lose, if any? 20-30
16. Do you frequent pro-Ana/pro-Mia sites? yeah, but i'm not really pro-eating disorder. it's more something i give into. i think it's sad.
17. Are you currently trying to get over your ED? not really, though i wish i was...does that make sense?
18. What is your favorite way to deal with your ED when you aren't giving in? reading, working, writing it all down.
19. Do you have any ED buddies? not really, it would probably become a competition thing.
20. Do you tell people about your ED? not since i told fred last year and he freaked out. since then, i lie.
21. Are you curious about other people with EDs? yeah, i'd like to talk to someone else in real life who is going through this sort of thing. also, i'm curious about people whose EDs are different from mine, and how they were developed and why.
22. Do you think you'll have an ED forever? I hope not, but i can't see myself ever having any sort of healthy body image, eating habits.
23. Favorite Calorie-free Beverage? water, tea.
24. Height: 5'2
25. Favorite ED Reading: wasted, eating by the light of the moon
26. Biggest Motivator To Get Better: Fred, and I'm scared about how it will fuck up my body.
27. Biggest Motivator To Stay Sick: my weight, how good i feel when i'm skinny
28. Do you abuse:
a. Laxatives? no
b. Diet Pills? i've thought about it, but because of the bulimia, i'm afraid of how it would effect my heart rate. and pills in general aren't appealing to me.
c. Water Pills? no.
d. Caffiene? just coffee.
e. Alcohol? no.